I’m getting that suffocating feeling again. The one where it feels like the more I try to escape her and this hold she has over me, the closer my friends get to her & drag her closer to me.
The more I try to bucket out the water that’s rising to my neck, the more holes they poke in my boat.
The more I feel ok with myself & the past, the more her name pops up on my Facebook, stories of her spew from my friends mouths’, her face appears everywhere.
In my mind, in my dreams, in my nightmares. I can’t escape her.
So instead I withdraw, thinking that she will get picked over me. The awkwardness between us will mean less invites for me, more people saying “why won’t she just get over it already?” more embarrassing moments of trying to be invisible when she’s around because I’m so terrified she might look at me, or talk to me & I might forget everything for a moment. I might forget that I won’t be ok if I allow myself to love her again as wholly & deeply as I did.
Or worse… what if I look her in the eye & I can tell that she doesn’t remember a thing we had together. She doesn’t see my pain. She doesn’t care. That would be far worse that seeing spite. Nobody ever wants to be forgotten.
Brando.
The more I try to bucket out the water that’s rising to my neck, the more holes they poke in my boat.
The more I feel ok with myself & the past, the more her name pops up on my Facebook, stories of her spew from my friends mouths’, her face appears everywhere.
In my mind, in my dreams, in my nightmares. I can’t escape her.
So instead I withdraw, thinking that she will get picked over me. The awkwardness between us will mean less invites for me, more people saying “why won’t she just get over it already?” more embarrassing moments of trying to be invisible when she’s around because I’m so terrified she might look at me, or talk to me & I might forget everything for a moment. I might forget that I won’t be ok if I allow myself to love her again as wholly & deeply as I did.
Or worse… what if I look her in the eye & I can tell that she doesn’t remember a thing we had together. She doesn’t see my pain. She doesn’t care. That would be far worse that seeing spite. Nobody ever wants to be forgotten.
Brando.
